“I Wanted an Identity So Badly:” A Desister’s Account of Trans Indoctrination

This is an important post. This brave and thoughtful young man has been generous enough to document his own process of becoming convinced that he was transgender. He identifies the cult-like thought traps that lead him to believe this, and discusses how difficult it was to work through these beliefs.

Fortunately, John did not take hormones or pursue surgery. Even without these medical interventions, his experience with trans ideology was confusing  and painful.

(Note: Part of this post comes from a Reddit thread that John posted. I am using that with his permission here.)

Thank you, John.

I was 100% thoroughly convinced that I was a woman trapped in a man’s body. I went on believing this for the better part of 6 months, and it did a number on my psyche.

I think these trans communities are a cult. They target lonely, confused teenagers that have a fetish. Not all transgender people are like this but, the group I belong to is, and this group is heavily targeted by these online trans people.

I think that we are basically all masochists. I had several “odd” things growing up that got me going, bondage, humiliation, power dynamics where I was the powerless person — anything that could be considered “shameful.” When you are a horny 14-year-old with these particular sexual tastes, and you discover online porn, it won’t be long until you stumble upon the “feminization” genre (aka, sissification, sissy fetish,). It should be obvious why these genres are so prevalent. If you grow up in a conservative area, what could be more demeaning, humiliating, or thrilling, as having your manhood stripped away from you? (Not that I think there is anything shameful about being a woman, but as a young man you are constantly having to prove your masculinity and any sign of weakness is compared to being a “sissy” or a “faggot” or “like a girl.”)

So you have all these young men who don’t understand their sexuality, watching sissy porn. Eventually they are going try and find out what it all means.

This is where the trans ideology plays its part. The trans narrative sucks these confused young men like myself in with all the “answers.” You see many confused fetishists posting in places like r/asktransgender asking if they are trans. Whatever their questions are, the usual reply from these places is something like “if you could press a magic button that would give you a female body would you press it? If you thought about it, then you may be trans, because a “straight” guy wouldn’t hesitate for a moment.” They try to equate the masochistic thrill with a desire to be a woman. And once you fall for that they have you.

They create a very intricate web of bullshit that is very hard to see out of once inside. It is very cult like. Any non-kool-aid drinking source of information is deemed “transphobic.” Any therapist that doesn’t tow the line is a “gate keeper.”

One day when I was 18, I had decided to try and figure out what was the deal with my sexuality. I had been watching feminization/sissy/sissyhypno-type porn and crossdressing for a few years at that point, and I was very confused. I grew up in a conservative area in a pretty conservative family, and the only information I had ever gotten about sexuality was stuff I had picked up from kids at school and stuff on TV. I was pretty naive about it.

But at this point when I was 18, I had been on the internet for a few years and I had reformed my conservative belief system. Just 3 and 1/2 years before, I was very conservative and a Christian, but I’m the type of person that is constantly questioning everything and with internet access, it was just a matter of time before I became an atheist and began to slowly tear apart my conservative belief system. I went from thinking liberals were evil deluded fools that were going to destroy the country to coming around to their side and seeing conservatives the same way I had once seen the liberals!

So I had begun trusting the “reddit people” since they made so much more sense than anything I had been exposed to in my conservative town. During one of my late night jerk sessions I had come across the typical trans rhetoric somewhere on r/sissyhypno and it scared the ever living shit out of me. I had seen the link to r/asktransgender at this point too. I was terrified but i had to know more.

I stayed awake for over 24 hours pouring over threads in r/asktg trying to understand what for so long had made no sense to me. I think what really hooked me at first was the idea that my sexuality had been “repressed.” I think I fell for this because my sexuality had been VERY repressed. For lack of a better term, I had tried to “pray the gay away” for years. I had pretty much tucked everything I knew about my fetish in a deep dark corner of my mind, and I would try to think about it as little as possible.

So when the “reddit people” would say my fetish was a normal female sexuality that has been repressed for years due to male socialization and homo/transphobia, and that my crossdressing and fetish porn consumption was the only way for my “female self” to express itself, it kinda made sense. And then there were so many people talking about how they used to be just like me, but they eventually stopped lying to themselves and realized they were transgender.

I was completely fooled 100% after that. (And I think that perhaps this pattern does apply to “real transgender” people. But I think that in their efforts to validate their identities as women and coming up with all the trans ideology, they accidentally created a trap for people like me, who are really just people that are a kind of extreme degradation masochist that got into crossdressing as an expression of that.)

I didn’t make any steps in transitioning. I only believed I was transgender. I actually hated the idea that I was transgender at first. I was full of self-pity and I was very, very depressed. I kept trying to think of something to convince myself I wasn’t trans, to find a reason why I wasn’t trans but I could not do it.

Since I had accepted certain beliefs, I could not escape the conclusion that I was trans. It seemed the most logical explanation at the time. After a while of wallowing in self-pity and hating myself, it seemed the only way to be happy was just to accept the fact that I was trans and move on.

So I began to reconstruct myself psychologically around being trans. In the beginning, there was a brief honeymoon period. I felt like a huge weight had been taken off my chest, that I had finally accepted who I was, and I didn’t have to keep being so uncertain about everything. I even “came out” to my family and a few friends. It didn’t last long though about two months.

After that, some doubts started to eat away at my new “happiness,” but I put an immense amount of energy into squashing them. It was kind of ironic in a way, because not that long before, I was trying so hard to talk myself out of being trans but couldn’t. And then not very long after, I was putting the same amount of effort into talking myself into it. The doubt kept eating at me though, and I could no longer believe I was “fully” trans.

It happened in stages though. It was very hard for me to let go for many reasons, one big one being that I just could not accept that I had made a terrible, terrible, very embarrassing mistake. The first and longest stage was that I thought that I wasn’t “fully” trans, but that I was somewhere on the trans spectrum. So I was once again a misfit. I was believing all the trans ideology, but now I no longer had the benefit of finally having a concrete sexual identity — which I think was a huge part in me being seduced by the trans rhetoric, because I wanted an identity so badly.

I kept analyzing myself over and over and over. I just had to know what I was. I stressed so much over this that I eventually just kind broke psychologically. I just up and decided one day that I was tired of it all. I wanted to be free of the never ending questioning and anxiety, so I chose to believe something that didn’t make sense within my own mental framework. It was very strange, because even though I knew it didn’t make sense, I chose to believe it anyway.

I just started believing I was gay. It didn’t work for long, but for two days it was bliss. After that, I really started to lose touch with reality. I started believing things about myself that made no sense. Every week, or sometimes every day I would completely change all my beliefs about my sexuality. I would say and think contradictory things, saying and doing things I never would have said or done before — just all manner of craziness. After about three or four months of that, I regained my senses.

But I still hadn’t resolved the thing that started it all. I just ended up completely repressing and burying everything. I tried my damnedest to just forget about the whole ordeal entirely, and I did that pretty successfully. But I couldn’t block it all out completely because I was still watching all the same porn. Deep down, though, I still believed that I was trans at some level during this period.

This might be hard to believe but i think what broke the “spell” for me were psilocybin mushrooms. I really shouldn’t have been messing around with them at the time because of how unstable I was, but I was doing all kinds of stupid impulsive shit.

I was tripping and at some point all the trans stuff starting bubbling to surface, and it was what you could call a bad trip. All the things I had repressed came bubbling up to the surface. I had no control, and the mushrooms were doing the driving. They showed me that I had been fooled into fooling myself. Basically, they showed me how my own narcissism was blinding me.

Once I had seen this information, it was in my mind permanently. It took around 6 months or so, but I slowly came around to thinking that it was really all just a crossdressing kink that got elevated to extreme levels from watching too much porn. It shouldn’t have taken me that long to get it all figured out after the mushrooms, but it took me a long time to trust my own judgement enough to really BELIEVE in what I was thinking.

I had my mushroom trip nearly two years ago. Now I’m mostly back to my old self.

I forgot to mention a pretty important detail. I didn’t come up with the doubts on my own. I was 100% fooled, but I stumbled upon some dissenting voices and ideas that got the original doubts going. I don’t know how far I would have gone if it weren’t for these voices dissenting from the trans ideology.

6 thoughts on ““I Wanted an Identity So Badly:” A Desister’s Account of Trans Indoctrination

  1. So lucky that he escaped. Really good that gender-critical analysis is now taking solid root online. Also great that he had the ability and (somehow) the maturity to use his mushroom experience as a constructive analytic tool.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Although I’ve never had any confusion regarding gender identity, what John describes here is very similar to my experiences growing up in a Catholic family and eventually abandoning Christianity. There was always that shame in the back of my mind that the questions I had were taboo. Even as a child I felt spiritual but there were things that felt wrong to me and it took me many years to give myself the permission to decide what I thought for myself. I’m a woman inching toward my 40s and my family still has trouble accepting that I don’t share a lot of their views (they don’t have so much trouble accepting my brother’s atheism, remarkably). The drive to land on a particular conclusion despite one’s intuition or judgement isn’t particular to religion or gender identity, of course. It can happen in political communities and other shared interest groups. I suspect that deep down, we know when we’re being deceived and when we’re deceiving ourselves. Thank goodness there are people out there whose dissenting opinions we can access because sometimes that’s the only thing that keeps you from thinking you’re going a bit crazy. I’m glad John was able to find some peace following that terrible process. The need to have an identity is one I can understand, especially for young people, given our society’s obsession with individualism and personal branding. But I think it’s a dangerous path that starts with insecurity and narcissism, and leads further and further down a dark path where one can ultimately no longer differentiate between their ego and reality.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. He kept asking questions, he was willing to see discrepancies instead of just explaining them away, he was unwilling to accept there was only one answer, he gave his doubts real consideration instead of just squashing them down and this is what saved him from hormones and permanently altering surgeries. Keep questioning and know that there are very few absolutes in the world.

    Liked by 1 person

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